Friday, September 26, 2008

Comments on the Australian literati.

If you wanted to fit in with the Guardians of literature and wern't content with writing in a style of populous pulp, then there were a few guidelines that should have been posted on the ivory walls of the Literary tower; if they had of been decent enough to have made themselves clear on the subject.

#When writing any thing likely to be read by the unwashed masses, it is a good idea to start with a meaniless show of your abillity to knit words together in such a way as to demonstrate your skill in hyptnotizing chickens. A simple prologue to transport them from their current missery, into your cozy world of a downy underwing.

#You are now free to guide them through your first chapter, which should be structured in such a way as to resemble a tour of ward three in the Royal Assylum of Writers with nothing to say but many words to say it with. You will be well judged by your peers if you platform yourself above the unfolding tradgedy of normality; which you are so skillfully describing.

#As you are developing your main characters,who will be (no doubt) hard to understand, make out like you can read their twisted (and perverse would help) thoughts.

#Don't try to feed your readers a sencible diet of three course predictability,instead make them a junket of tit-bits liberaly doused with the liqueur of discriptive prose. Serve up an intoxicating concoction studded with chocolate for the mind, full of little treats in the form of words they will assosiate with a smell or an emotion. Soon you will have them lining up for more, but take heed; if you try to educate them with facts about their unfortunate condition, they will run a mile.

#Don't make the mistake of thinking you can over-do the adjectival content of your efforts. One or two hundred words on the discripton of a flower we have all seen, is almost a page of plot or storyline you won't have to waste your time on. Multiply that phenomenon by a couple of hundred times and you have got a salient book.

#Finally, make you women beyond criticism, your men beyond redemption and your heros' beyond belief. If there is someone to hate in your work, make sure they are your editors enemies and if there is some one to admire, your publishers friends. Leave everyone with the sence that your next work may very well be worthy and for Gods sake don't stray to far from this pattern; Lest we forget, that which keeps us above the mire.

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